Grading America: Culinary Highlights

Here are some of the wonderful foods I enjoyed on my recent visit to the United States:

Breakfast

‘Nuff said.

Bagel Bob’s

Every time I go there, I get two plain bagels with butter, one toasted and one not; it’s been that way since 1999 and it will be that way forever. I love Bagel Bob’s, notwithstanding their circa 2002 yuppie makeover and Libyan employee who once addressed me as a Muslim Brother because he mistook my Abe Lincoln beard for something a little different.

Corner Bistro (x2)

Possibly best burger in New York. Excellent fries. Cheap. Great ambience any time other than Friday and Saturday nights. Difficult enough to find by any approach except West Fourth that it has caused me to walk the length of West Fourth unnecessarily dozens of times. Small enough menu (posted on the wall and unchanged for generations) that vegetarians feel left out. What’s not to like?

Chipotle (x4)

Strangely addictive.

Lombardi’s

The only leg of my 2006 Pizza Pilgrimage situated in New York – around the corner from my old house. It’s the sauce the makes the pizza in this case, really special and nuanced sauce, sweet and unique. Too bad about the yuppie makeover, but I always insist on sitting in the old section, and one time I will make sure to reserve the table in the kitchen.

Krispy Kreme

Back in the day, I used to get a half dozen Krispy Kremes delivered with a 24 oz bottle of Mountain Dew (for breakfast) via kozmo.com and sometimes I’d follow that with a package of Oreos and a half gallon of apple cider (for lunch). But I don’t do that any more. Krispy Kreme, though, is so radically different and superior to every other doughnut on the planet, I can’t understand how anyone can eat another doughnut after trying Krispy Kreme. Really, I don’t.

Corned beef

The corned beef in Israel is nasty. The corned beef in America is good.

Popeye’s (x2)

The fast food version of fried chicken that I grew up eating was Roy Rogers’, which is very good and has sort of a hint of honey taste. I made the switch to Popeye’s in college and haven’t looked back. They have the spicy kind and it’s sort of New Orleansy in there, though I’ve got to admit it’s a hell of a lot more like New Orleans in the 125th and Saint Nicholas branch than the Rockville Pike and Old Georgetown Road branch.

Barbecue

‘Nuff said.

Home cookin’

My dad’s chicken tenders, my mom’s chocolate chip cookies, my dad’s pancakes, etc, etc (note: all of these foods were prepared especially for me, because my parents don’t even eat them). These are the foods I grew up eating, true, but I honestly believe that they are objectively superior. Well, I can’t quantify the objective superiority of one pancake or another, but I can say that I’ve shared the cookies with scores of friends in Maryland, New York and Israel, and everyone has made some comment to the effect that they are amazing. Yeah, I know.

Bonus: Mountain Dew Code Red

On my last two trips to America, I couldn’t find this product anywhere. I also asked about ten people in a row who were visiting America, or visiting Israel from America, to buy some of this and bring it to me here; ten out of ten people failed to do so. I searched for it everywhere in New York, even in the bodegas that were sure to carry it and even in this humongous supermarket called Fairway that really should have carried it … with no success. Then I found it in Maryland. Not only did I find it, but I found it in six packs of 24 oz bottles in the supermarket nearest to my parents’ home! And then I proceeded to find it again at Target on the Pike and at the Giant in the same shopping center (the one with Hudson Trail and Barnes & Noble). That’s right, Code Red is taking the MGC by storm!

Creepy: my brother’s breakfast drink of choice

Before I left Israel for New York, my grandmother called me to ask which foods she should buy in preparation for my visit to Florida, ten days away. Since the major activity when we go to visit her is going out to eat in restaurants (and the Clubhouse), this seemed kind of silly and superfluous, but I did ask for Life cereal. When she asked which kind of milk I’d like with the cereal, I told her, “milk,” which I believe accurately conveyed that I preferred the commercially available dairy product most closely resembling the stuff that adult cows lactate. Because she grew up consuming this product and also raised three kids on it, she approved. My brother, however, when given the choice of any breakfast drink, selected chocolate milk flavored soy beverage, which is so comically nasty that I don’t even know which it is more, comic or nasty. Even better, he poured it into his cereal for breakfast. Even better, he blended it with protein powder to produce a shake, which he consumed as part of his workout routine. Shudder.

Bonus novelty: Israeli restaurants in New York

Aroma and Max Brenner are both great in Tel Aviv, if ordinary, but I don’t really know how to describe the experience of going to them in New York. First of all, I was only very slightly tempted to order in Hebrew. Second, it was just weird to be surrounded by Americans in those places: two Americans on a date sitting next to us in Max Brenner, Americans on either side of me typing on their laptops in Aroma on Houston Street while we look out at the NYU Coles Center. Third, they both translated a little too easily to America. Each place kept sort of the same feel and design as their Israeli branches, but in New York that just felt New Yorky. Maybe this says something about New York being cosmopolitan or maybe it says something very cool or uncool about Israel, I’m not sure.

Wholesome delight: Indian food

I’d kind of eaten Indian food before but not really liked it (at all): way too vegetarian, way too much curry, way too enjoyed by pretentious people. But I more than kind of enjoyed it when a friend suggested we meet at an Indian restaurant for lunch in Midtown. I ate delicious lamb and chicken but didn’t get too pretentious (I hope).

Missed: Ferrara’s

Ferrara’s is a fantastic Italian dessert / pastry / cafe place, and by the time we got there at the end of my time in New York, they had closed for their annual renovation, or cleaning, something like that. This really irks me because we would have been able to enter, and I would have enjoyed the traditional Death By Chocolate cake, if I’d just insisted on going at the beginning of my trip. But hey, there’s always next year.

Not quite as missed: Bereket

Turkish fast food was a staple of my final year in New York, but it’s not quite so urgent now that I live in a city with at least one good and inexpensive Turkish restaurant nearby.

Forgotten: Pizza Hut

I’ve never been to Chicago and tried the authentic version, but I try to make a point every once in a while to eat the national chain version of a deep dish (viz, pan) pizza. Best part – they let me place my order on the web in advance.

Forgotten: International House Of Pancakes

Going with Craig to the one near RM is not quite the same experience as going with Kevin to the one in Gaitherstown Plaza, nor will Craig try to order the same meal as I and compel me to change my order just to make sure we’re not two guys at a restaurant ordering the same thing. Nor does the air conditioner drip steadily onto the waffles of the woman seated at the table next to us. But IHOP has always been and will always be an otherworldly experience.

Grade: A+